It’s been a minute and I hope you have enjoyed every second.
Today I will be sharing very personal issues which I never do, but then I realized I started a blog for this purpose. For the most part, I’m never able to fully commit to sharing everything about myself with one person… I would rather repress all of that. Not because I don’t trust but because I hate the thought of placing what I feel on another person. But today I’m baring my thoughts on my blog.
The past weeks have been really eventful…. I got a job, I got done with my project defense, my sister got married. All of these even though they have been great, there were also moments that were not so great. Now rewind to this past weekend I thought “hey! So much has been going on maybe now you get a break”. But nahhhh…. life dealt me some hard blow that I spent the most part of Sunday curled up in a ball crying.
Recently, there have been constant reminders of what it means to be a woman in our society with emphasis on settling down and getting a husband. For the most part I was unbothered but now I am because even though you feel like there’s time, society begins to mount so much pressure you are almost suffocating. I am constantly questioning myself and the decisions which I have taken if they were right for me. Now I’m bothered…will I ever find the right kind of love? will I ever find someone to love me for who I am? Will I ever find someone who will reciprocate all the love I have in my heart.
I learnt from this weekend that loving someone does not mean they have to love you back. And for every step forward I took I could never have carried them with me if they weren’t willing neither could I have wished it. Maybe I could have done something different…. maybe I could have loved better but then again I am who I am. And from what I know, love is a decision and your ability to commit to loving that one person requires a lot of dedication and strength. Someone told me being committed to one person means you are answerable to that one person. I actually never looked at it that way even though I knew how deep being committed is…and for the most part I don’t think it’s such a bad thing. There’s no shame in loving that one person and there’s no shame in wanting to spend the rest of your life with that one person.
Relationships come with ups and downs, the good, the bad and then some ugly. However, I have always looked at it as a learning experience…. I may not end up spending the rest of my life with you but I should be able to have such balance in that relationship that I do not question the rest of my life with you. I should be able to love you without questioning your feelings for me. One low point for me was asking my partner if they could eventually love me…. It was heart wrenching to see that I could love someone that much and they did not reflect that love right back. But I’m learning to come to terms with that.
I’m not ashamed to say:
Yes, I would like to get married sooner rather than later because I’m ready to share the love I have with the right person (of course at God’s appropriate time).
Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life loving that one person… being committed to that one person.
Yes, I want the right kind of love because I deserve it…. I want a love that makes me want to do better…. I want a love that is reciprocated and reflects God’s love.
I want a kind of love where I’m not ashamed to show how much I love you or scared to tell you how much I love you because I’m worried you may never be able to love me the same way.
I deserve the right kind of love because I love myself and I know what the right kind of love feels like.
I would like to hear and read from everyone on what your thoughts are. Do you feel this same pressure? How do you deal with it? And how do you eventually get over not being loved by that one person?
Have a great week everyone. Let the right kind of love find you.